inside.my.mind

I don’t know if I mentioned it or not, but I have been working on converting one of our products from DOS to Windows. I don’t know if any of you know what Clipper is, but that is what the DOS program is written in. It is not the easiest thing in the world to read. Doing this kind of stuff is going to be my working life for the next couple of years it seems.Anyway Monday we are doing the first install of the first product we converted. All that means is that this week has been and will continue to be pretty crazy. I will be glad when it is done.

I am feeling better that I was. In fact other than a cough and a sore throat I am fine as long as I don’t try to do anything. We went to look at Mandy and Leah’s house and I started feeling pretty bad again. So I don’t have the best new, which would be that I am all better, but I am doing a lot better than I was. I am hoping that by wasting the rest of this weekend doing nothing I will get the rest of the way better.

Speaking of Mandy and Leah’s house, it is looking really good. It looks like they could have it done pretty fast if the building people would just get going. It is going to be very nice and I am sure the girls with like having woods to run and play around in.

Friday I needed something to play, since I was sick and I could pretty much do nothing else, I went to Best Buy to get some movies. I also went a head and pick up an iPod Nano. I know I just lost some respect from Dusty, but it really is a nice player. I have not messed with it much, stupid sickness screwing everything up, but from what I have done it seems to be really cool. Who ever thought I would by something from Apple. I am not making a habit of it.

It is my birthday.  I am now 25.  Woo.  I am also sick.  On my birthday.  How much does that suck?

I am warning you a second time to do not read this. It is the same old crap you have been reading for months. Save yourself some time and don’t read it.

I really did have a good time this weekend, as you read in my other post, but now at the end as I sit home alone I am feeling empty again. I am still here with the dull ache that has been ever present this year. Anytime I have some down time my thoughts slip back to everything that has happen with Leslie. All the how and why questions fly back through my mind, still as unanswered as ever. I guess it is not as bad as it was. It really is hard for me to tell. Sometimes I don’t think of the bad stuff, I remember the good thing and it is nice, until I remember that they will never happen again, she is done with me, tossed me out.

I don’t remember if I mentioned it or not, but I did get a raise with my review, but instead of making me happy it just reminded me of how off track my life is. I have a career, but the reason I wanted one is gone. I wanted one so I could support my family, and yes I know I still have a family (a wonderful one I know that), but that is not what I am talking about. A family of my own with a wife, children, maybe some pets.

Everyone keeps telling me I will find someone else and be happy. I hope it is true. I feel really stupid for not being able to keep that in my mind. I am sure people think I am stupid for still feeling the way that I do, but you know that I can’t help it. I was just left with huge gapping hole in my life. I don’t know why I post stuff like this it would be better to keep it to myself, but it has to get out. I can only hold it in for so long.

It is not like I want Leslie back or anything. She hurt me to much. She does not love me. I loved her, I really did with all I had, but that was not good enough for her. I think the pain I have now is…I don’t know memory of the life I was going to have? That is not right. I can’t write what I am really thinking. The words are just not there. I never have been a great one with the words.

If only I could really express what is going on in my head. I think it would make me feel better for someone to know and not look at me like I am crazy. To hold me and love me for me and not what they want me to do for them. To have someone listen and really care and since I don’t have that person you my readers get to listen to this.

The bad part is if I really did have someone like I was just talking about, I don’t know if I would be able to talk to them. I think I am worse at expressing myself in person that I am on this thing. I would take a really special person for me to be able to tell them what is going on in my head and they not want to leave before I was finished.

I guess I go back to trying to be better. I really hate how this pops up on me like it does. Sorry if you took the time to read it.

I had a good weekend. Friday Julie and I had dinner and then went and played mini golf with Sis. Melissa won both times with me in second and Julie third. It was a lot of fun. After that we went back to Julie’s and a bunch of her other friend came down and we all hung out. I ended up with only an hour or two of sleep. It reminded me of college a little bit, with the lack of sleep, and the hanging out with friends talking, having a good time.

Saturday after I woke up and called Melissa and made her get up, I let her sleep a little bit more than me, we headed to the grandparents house. I pulled in right behind Steven and Ashley. I should have already been there, but I was running late. They hung out with me for a couple of hours (I think? Not sure how long it was). They let me feed Noah! It was cool, and of course I held him the whole time they were there.

Dusty came in about 10 minutes before the Brady’s left. After Dusty was there for a bit a bunch more people that I don’t know showed up for the cookout that my grandparents where having. I pretty much just hung out with Dusty the whole time. We had a good time. Bugged the crap out of some 16 year old girl. She could do the worm dance thing. I stared calling her “The Worm”. By the time everyone left they were calling her that as well. It was great. I also have a small video of her doing the worm.

Today I hung out with Dad a bit and then headed back up here. Melissa stayed with Mom. She will be back in a few days.

I had part of my review yesterday and the rest of it today.  They seem happy with me.  I still have the same old stuff to work on.  Confidence and comments.  I suck at both of them.

I hate review time.  It is really stressful to me.  I know it is just a job, but it really freaks me out.   At least it is over for another year.

I had something to blog about, but at some point today it was lost. Crazy mind just will not hang on to some things long enough. I think it maybe a part of getting older. I really hope it slows down a bit or I may not be able to remember anything by the time I am 30.

I guess I will tire you with some random trash that is floating around in my head. I had a dream last night that I went to Disney World, alone. Alone at Disney World is kind of strange, but nothing too bad at this point. I walked around a bunch and ended up going in this shop that sells stuffed animals. While looking around I spotted my girlfriend from high school. She worked in the shop designing stuffed animals. A job that, it seems, is performed in a shirt and no pants. It was really strange and random at that point. I don’t know where the girlfriend from high school came from. Just so you know I woke up at that point so nothing else crazy happen for you perverse people wondering what else went on.

I received my first damaged disk from Netflix today. It sucks, but I reported it and they are going to resend it. It is a pretty simple process to get it replaced.

OH! I think I remember what I was going to blog about. I believe it was about missing having more people close. I am sure we all remember having friends that if we did not see them at least 3 or 4 times a week it was strange. I miss that. Maybe it is part of being a grown up? Too many other things going on for things like that to happen any more? Not to mention the distance problem with some people, but even without that would it be possible to just drop in all the time and it be normal. I just don’t know if that kind of thing happens in adulthood.

I know it happen in Cookeville and it was great, but I was still in college even if Leslie was working. I think my being in college out weighted the fact Leslie was out in the real world. I really do miss the late night/early morning trips to Kentucky that get planned by 5 minutes of talking before leaving. Who cared if it was the week of finals? How about the long drives close to Cookeville filled stories of things that happen in the places we were driving by and the new music. More than likely I would have never found things like Less Than Jake and Rage Against the Machine on my own.

I guess all I can say is good times and thank you to everyone who made me have them.

flower thing
Originally uploaded by elemak.

I just thought I would try out flickr since I had nothing better to do. My account only has three pictures that I took today so I could try out flicker. Two are out around the apartment and the third is of Sammy.
I don’t know if I will keep using it or not. I don’t know if I want to even bother taking the time to take pictures. I am not really good at it, but it is fun so we will see. If I do keep it up I may have to get a new camera. I am still using the one Leslie and I got for Christmas the first or second year we were married, which would put it at 2002 or 2003. I am sure they have better ones now.

Well after playing with Wordpress yesterday I have decided to go with it, so update all links and feeds to elemak.net.

I am still working on so I am sure there are a few errors around. Let me know if you notice any problems and I will get them taken care of.

So life continues. Rolling right a long. Mostly the same. Moments of happiness and moments of depression. It is kind of funny how they can happen in the same moment, which is not mostly the same. That one is new.

Why are people mean? What drives us to hurt other people? Why must we strike out and hurt the ones who love us just because we are having a bad time? Does it really make us feel better when we drag someone we love down with us? Does it help? Relationships can only take so much of that, so next time you are going to say something you know will be hurtful take a second and think if it will really be worth it to crush a loved one in a petty attempt to make yourself feel better.

I don’t really have a whole lot to say. I did not get off work until 5:30 tonight and was a slacker and skipped my workout. I don’t guess it really matters since it does not seem to be doing anything for me, although if I keep going at the rate I am now I might make a world record for gaining and losing the same half a pound over and over again.

I closed my account with Regions bank last week. It has been just sitting there for the last 3 or 4 months making sure I had everything cancelled that was coming out of it. I was sad to see it go. I got that account the day I moved to Cookeville my freshmen year of collage. It also happened to be my first checking account ever. They were Union Planters when I first signed up. They had a much better website back in those days.

Does anyone have an opinion one way or another on the iPod Nano? I am thinking of getting one to help pass the time when (if) I workout.