inside.my.mind

I am warning you a second time to do not read this. It is the same old crap you have been reading for months. Save yourself some time and don’t read it.

I really did have a good time this weekend, as you read in my other post, but now at the end as I sit home alone I am feeling empty again. I am still here with the dull ache that has been ever present this year. Anytime I have some down time my thoughts slip back to everything that has happen with Leslie. All the how and why questions fly back through my mind, still as unanswered as ever. I guess it is not as bad as it was. It really is hard for me to tell. Sometimes I don’t think of the bad stuff, I remember the good thing and it is nice, until I remember that they will never happen again, she is done with me, tossed me out.

I don’t remember if I mentioned it or not, but I did get a raise with my review, but instead of making me happy it just reminded me of how off track my life is. I have a career, but the reason I wanted one is gone. I wanted one so I could support my family, and yes I know I still have a family (a wonderful one I know that), but that is not what I am talking about. A family of my own with a wife, children, maybe some pets.

Everyone keeps telling me I will find someone else and be happy. I hope it is true. I feel really stupid for not being able to keep that in my mind. I am sure people think I am stupid for still feeling the way that I do, but you know that I can’t help it. I was just left with huge gapping hole in my life. I don’t know why I post stuff like this it would be better to keep it to myself, but it has to get out. I can only hold it in for so long.

It is not like I want Leslie back or anything. She hurt me to much. She does not love me. I loved her, I really did with all I had, but that was not good enough for her. I think the pain I have now is…I don’t know memory of the life I was going to have? That is not right. I can’t write what I am really thinking. The words are just not there. I never have been a great one with the words.

If only I could really express what is going on in my head. I think it would make me feel better for someone to know and not look at me like I am crazy. To hold me and love me for me and not what they want me to do for them. To have someone listen and really care and since I don’t have that person you my readers get to listen to this.

The bad part is if I really did have someone like I was just talking about, I don’t know if I would be able to talk to them. I think I am worse at expressing myself in person that I am on this thing. I would take a really special person for me to be able to tell them what is going on in my head and they not want to leave before I was finished.

I guess I go back to trying to be better. I really hate how this pops up on me like it does. Sorry if you took the time to read it.

I had a good weekend. Friday Julie and I had dinner and then went and played mini golf with Sis. Melissa won both times with me in second and Julie third. It was a lot of fun. After that we went back to Julie’s and a bunch of her other friend came down and we all hung out. I ended up with only an hour or two of sleep. It reminded me of college a little bit, with the lack of sleep, and the hanging out with friends talking, having a good time.

Saturday after I woke up and called Melissa and made her get up, I let her sleep a little bit more than me, we headed to the grandparents house. I pulled in right behind Steven and Ashley. I should have already been there, but I was running late. They hung out with me for a couple of hours (I think? Not sure how long it was). They let me feed Noah! It was cool, and of course I held him the whole time they were there.

Dusty came in about 10 minutes before the Brady’s left. After Dusty was there for a bit a bunch more people that I don’t know showed up for the cookout that my grandparents where having. I pretty much just hung out with Dusty the whole time. We had a good time. Bugged the crap out of some 16 year old girl. She could do the worm dance thing. I stared calling her “The Worm”. By the time everyone left they were calling her that as well. It was great. I also have a small video of her doing the worm.

Today I hung out with Dad a bit and then headed back up here. Melissa stayed with Mom. She will be back in a few days.