Jun 18 2006
Don’t read this
I am warning you a second time to do not read this. It is the same old crap you have been reading for months. Save yourself some time and don’t read it.
I really did have a good time this weekend, as you read in my other post, but now at the end as I sit home alone I am feeling empty again. I am still here with the dull ache that has been ever present this year. Anytime I have some down time my thoughts slip back to everything that has happen with Leslie. All the how and why questions fly back through my mind, still as unanswered as ever. I guess it is not as bad as it was. It really is hard for me to tell. Sometimes I don’t think of the bad stuff, I remember the good thing and it is nice, until I remember that they will never happen again, she is done with me, tossed me out.
I don’t remember if I mentioned it or not, but I did get a raise with my review, but instead of making me happy it just reminded me of how off track my life is. I have a career, but the reason I wanted one is gone. I wanted one so I could support my family, and yes I know I still have a family (a wonderful one I know that), but that is not what I am talking about. A family of my own with a wife, children, maybe some pets.
Everyone keeps telling me I will find someone else and be happy. I hope it is true. I feel really stupid for not being able to keep that in my mind. I am sure people think I am stupid for still feeling the way that I do, but you know that I can’t help it. I was just left with huge gapping hole in my life. I don’t know why I post stuff like this it would be better to keep it to myself, but it has to get out. I can only hold it in for so long.
It is not like I want Leslie back or anything. She hurt me to much. She does not love me. I loved her, I really did with all I had, but that was not good enough for her. I think the pain I have now is…I don’t know memory of the life I was going to have? That is not right. I can’t write what I am really thinking. The words are just not there. I never have been a great one with the words.
If only I could really express what is going on in my head. I think it would make me feel better for someone to know and not look at me like I am crazy. To hold me and love me for me and not what they want me to do for them. To have someone listen and really care and since I don’t have that person you my readers get to listen to this.
The bad part is if I really did have someone like I was just talking about, I don’t know if I would be able to talk to them. I think I am worse at expressing myself in person that I am on this thing. I would take a really special person for me to be able to tell them what is going on in my head and they not want to leave before I was finished.
I guess I go back to trying to be better. I really hate how this pops up on me like it does. Sorry if you took the time to read it.
They say that time heals all wounds and I guess you’re still in the middle of healing. I really don’t have any other encouraging words because you’ve already heard from me and everyone else that it’ll get better.
And it will.
Never be sorry for writing. Even if you don’t feel like you got it out correctly you still helped yourself.
Any time you want to get away and just relax for a day or weekend or whatever, you’re always welcome here. You can kick back in the hot tub or whatever, but I guess you’ll have to sleep on the couch which really isn’t uncomfortable at all. I’ve fallen asleep a few times on there already with Noah. You can also phone anytime you need to too.
I haven’t quite put my finger on it, but there is just something about post-college work life that just royally sucks. I think maybe in college we have the anticipation of working and doing all these great things, but once you get into the work force you begin to work and you’re thinking now, is this what it’s going to be for the rest of my life??
i agree with steven. It is reality check as to what our lives have become. At least you have stuck with one job. I have changed complete fields!?! But I have a feeling just as we were so ready to be finished with school to get a career…having a family will be similar in nature. ALOT OF WORK, but in the end our “work” will be our biggest rewards and blessing…or so we can hope and pray…right?!?
Hi baby!! You wrote this last June but I’m reading it now and I just want to say that I love you more than you know!! I don’t know if you’ll ever even see this comment…maybe it gets sent to your email. I don’t know. Anyway….I adore you sweetheart. You mean the world to me and I couldn’t imagine going back to life without you honey. I’ve never felt better in a relationship before…you are absolutely the one that I have been waiting for…the guy I’ve always wanted to be with. I hate what Leslie did to your heart…I hate that you were so incredibly hurt and are still affected by what happened. But I promise that I will try my hardest…for as long as you keep me around…to be the best for you. I want to patch up your heart and take care of it forever. I love you so so so much sweetie! You are such an amazing man and truly the one I want to spend my forever with! LOVE YOU!!!