inside.my.mind

Originally uploaded by elemak.

That is all, well not really all there are also two other pictures from this weekend on flickr.  One has a bug and a flower.  Can’t get better than that!

Originally uploaded by elemak.

Walked in the park and took a few pictures.

I’m not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I’m tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn’t be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don’t want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I’m tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I’m not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I’m tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

Cut by Plumb

Guess I am kind of a dark mood? Anyway.

So this week at work I have been getting made fun of about being OCD. Seems people think it is strange that my notebook needs to be in the same place, that I always put my papers stacked neatly and face down in the trash, I alway try to stop on the dollar when pumping gas, I get up once an hour and go to the bathroom, once every other hour I fill my water bottle up, every Tuesday and Thursday I wear white shirts with either gray or black pants. Maybe they have good reasons to be making fun.

Originally uploaded by elemak.

Picture from Saturday night after carving pumpkins. Everyone is in front of their pumpkin and mine is the one of the far left. Good times!

It is also now official that they all know I am a language retard and kind of stupid all around, but they had to find out sooner or later.   It is hard to keep something like that hidden for very long.  At least I got some laughs.

Another work week is almost gone! Work is trying to get really busy again. People on my project have started staying late and working weekends again. So far I have not. I feel bad about it, but lately it has been hard to keep my brain working for 8 hours, with no hope for longer. I don’t know why I care, but I am afraid that they are going to start looking at me as the slacker. I don’t want to be that person, but there is also no point in staying when my brain has left the building. I am pretty much the only person who has not had a day off since this thing started, and that should make me feel better, but it does not. I guess I am going to have to start pulling some longer hours, or at least try to.

Tomorrow I am off to a developers conference. I was looking forward to it, but today they gave us a list of sessions that we have to attend and take notes on so we can come back and tell everyone about them. I suck at telling people about stuff. Ask anyone who knows me they will tell you how bad I am at explaining things.

I packed up my stuff tonight so I don’t have to come back home after the conference is over. Leah and Mandy are so wicked kind to me. They are letting me stay at their house this weekend! Saturday people are coming over and we are all going to carve pumpkins. I was talking about not needing a pattern and now have this expectation that I will do something good. Here’s to hoping I can pull something good out. It is going to be fun even if mine sucks! I am so glad I have all the “roommates” to hang out with. They keep me sane, make me happy, and give me something to look forward to. Thanks guys! In fact I wish I could find the words, or something, to express how much you all have done for me. You all shown me some light in what has to be the darkest time in my life. Just knowing that you all are there if I need someone to talk to is such a help, even if I am to scared to call every time that I would have like to.  Please don’t read that anyone is doing anything at all to make me feel this way, because they are not just a problem I have.
I don’t know if it is just me or if most people are like this, but I suck at calling people. I want to, but I never know what to say, or am worried about interrupting something, or being a bother. So many times I would have like to call anyone, but did not because I am scare myself out of it. I think it is more to protect myself from rejection that anything. I am not saying that any one would reject me, but for whatever reason my mind looks for small things that it can twist and make big just to make me feel bad. I don’t understand why, but that seems to be what happens, and I end up parallelized with this unfounded fear that holds me back for a lot of things in my life.
Now for some internet stuff. I have switched from using Bloglines back to Google Reader. I tried Google Reader before I started using Bloglines and it was not that great, but they have make a lot of improvements and it now seems to be the better choice, at least for me. I have also started using Firefox 2 RC 2. It has a spell checker built in, which I really need. That has been one of my problems with WordPress, but no longer since Firefox is checking spelling for me. Good idea Mozilla! Keep up the good work, oh and a grammar checker would be a great next step!

Originally uploaded by elemak.

I had a good weekend! Saturday evening went to the dog park at Centennial and played around for a while with Leah, Mandy, and their dogs.

Saturday night went to dinner with Mandy, Leah, Jen, Louellen, and a few more people that I did not know. We went to this Italian place on West End, Maggiano’s, it was good. When did this family meal thing where the whole table picks two appetizers, two salads, two pastas, two main dishes, and two desserts. It was quite tasty.

Today went to church, lunch, and back to the park with pretty much the same people named above plus Tracy and Tina. We played some football. It was a blast and I am already sore from it, but who cares it was more than worth it, and I scored twice! I was very excited seeing that I am not the least bit athletic.

Also three or four new photos on flickr if anyone is interested.

Bikes
Originally uploaded by elemak.

This weekend I went to my grandparents for a cookout they were having. They have them from time to time, most of the time using birthdays as excesses. I think just like having people over.

Anyway I was there and one of Mom’s friends brought over a couple of dirt bikes to play with. If you know me then you know I am not one to do stuff like that, but it was a blast! I could not believe how much fun it was. The only bad thing is that my toe hurts from where I was changing gears. Changing gears would also be something that I am new at. I am still not really any good at it, but I am much better at it that I was when I first started!

I was really questioning which picture to use for this entry because I took one of the sunrise that I really like so check it out!

I was really questioning which picture to use for this entry because I took one of the sunrise that I really like a lot, but I thought the bikes went with the entry.