inside.my.mind

The weekend report.  Friday hung out with Sis.  Watched a movie or two and had some food.  It was fun and nice to get and spend some time with her.

Saturday I was up at six.  I tried my best to sleep more, but it just would not happen.  I am not really sure what has gotten in to me, but I have been trying to sleep a lot more.  When I wake up I try and make myself go back to sleep.  Not really sure what that is all about, but I think I would rather go back to jumping up out of bed instead of try to sleep all the time.  After I finally rolled myself out of bed I took a shower and went to do a bit of shopping that I had to get out of the way.  Food and a few other misc. things that I have been needing, nothing that is any fun.

Saturday night we went to a church thing.  Once a month different groups from all over town go to peoples house to eat and hang out.  It was mostly a good time.  The only bad part is we played one of those game where you have to do things to get people to guess whatever evil thing happens to be on the card you got.  Need less to say I made a huge fool out of myself many times during this game.  I turn red thinking about it.  One of the ones I had to do was Dances With Wolves and I had to do it without speaking.  Everyone laughed at my attempt at dancing for a really long time.

Today was church.  During the second service, the time which I spend helping with the children, I was in the nursery with one of our host from Saturday night.  We were talking and some how we got to talking about me being shy.  To my surprise she disagreed with me, but the more that I think about it the more I can see how she would have been surprised.  We had met a couple of weeks before when she worked in the nursery for the first time.  When I am in the nursery I have the kids and I act crazy and could careless about what else is going on.  In general I am pretty comfortable at church and have my people that I can talk to.  I have never really thought about it before today, but if someone sees me in that setting they would get a false sense of me.  That does not exactly sound right.  It is me that they would see, but I am really not out going.  It freaks me out that people could see me as out going when it is far from what I am.  If they saw me some when I was uncomfortable there is not telling what they would think.  I have no idea if this is coming out where anyone else can understand it.

After church we met Leah’s parents and they bought us a very tasty lunch.  I always like seeing Leah’s parent they are good people and I really enjoy getting to spend time with them.

I need some musical type suggestions.  Does anyone have any recommendations?  I don’t care what genre, no limits at all.  New or old I don’t care.

Last Friday night we had a songwriters night at church and it was a lot of fun.  It has gotten me wanting to expand my musical horizons.

It seems my brain has been going crazy at night. I have been having a plethora of dreams.  As I have stated in the past I don’t dream often.  Once or twice in a six month period is about as often as dreams come to me.  I would love to be able to dream more.  In away I feel like I am getting ripped of with my lack of dreams when most of the population gets to escape to another reality while they sleep.

Over the past week I have been dreaming pretty much every night.  It has been great!  I have been lucky that none of my have been nightmares.  They are more strange than anything.  People acting in ways they never would in the waking world.  It is a very interesting experience.  It also amazes me how fast dreams fade, with in a couple of minutes I am lucky to remember a few pieces of what on in my brain the night before.

What I want to know is why I have started dreaming so much.  Don’t take that is a complaint, because I really am happy to be dreaming.  I still wonder what has happen that caused this change.  It does not seem like something that would just all of the sudden change, maybe I am finally losing my mind.  It could just be that my brain is so tired of my everyday that that it is using my sleep time to keep from going crazy.  Who knows, I am sure someone out there has an answer, but I am betting they don’t read my blog.

It if funny that I can ramble on for this long.  I remember when I first started blogging it would take so much effort just to get a few lines out.  Now I can just sit down and write and write about nothing, not saying it is quality stuff, just that I can put out more quantity that when I first started.  I still have all the old entries from modblog laying around some where.

I just spent the last few minutes going back and reading some of my old modblog posts.  Wow.  A lot has changed.  Maybe a lot would be an understatement.  I don’t guess I should be surprised it was more than five years ago.  It all seems so far away.  Stuff that I thought would never change has.  People that I thought I would have always have are now all but gone.  I don’t think anything has turned out how I wanted.

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we’ll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won’t have to drive too far
Just ‘cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man’s got a problem
He live with the bottle that’s the way it is
He says his body’s too old for working
I say his body’s too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody’s got to take care of him
So I quit school and that’s what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ’round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain’t got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You’ll find work and I’ll get promoted
We’ll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I’d always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain’t going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

Fast Car by Tracy Chapman

I think things might finally be slowing down a bit. Seems like I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for the last few weeks. Been in and out of town, work has been crazy, my mind is all over the place. Some really good times and some really bad.

I think the huge push that was going on at work will be over for a while after this week is over, of course another will take its place, but I am hoping for a week or two break. I don’t have any plans to leave town again in the next few weeks. Bring on the calmness!

It is crazy to think that this time two years ago my life changed in a crazy way that I had hoped to never experience. That has been on my mind a lot the last few weeks, but I guess that is to be expected around this time of year. I have changed a lot in the last two years, at least I think I have. Who knows what you all think. I feel so different, but at the same time I don’t. It really is hard to explain how I think of myself. Not really something I would want you all to see anyway.

I was so happy to be back at my church this past weekend. I had missed it so very much. I got to see most of the people I wanted, including a good portion of my kids. It is hard to catch everyone in the same week, so maybe this coming weekend I can see the rest of them. It is crazy how much comfort that place provides for me. There are so many wonderful people there, most of who I don’t know anywhere as much as I would like. I am very thankful for all of them.

Speaking of not knowing people like I would like. That seems to be a recurring theme in my life. It is not because I don’t want to know people better I just don’t know how to go about it. It take a really long time for me to get to know people and most people don’t bother. I would love to be able to go up and talk to just anyone, but I just don’t seem to work that way. When I am around most people I want to talk and have a good time, but I can’t seem to do it, I am trapped inside of me and very little can get out. It is such a frustrating feeling. People seem to think that I would prefer to play game or something to sitting around talking to people, but that is far from the truth. I will shut up now I am sure that will not make sense to anyone but me.

A coworker let me borrow the Bourne movies so I am hopping to watch them at some point this weekend. I have seen the first two already, but am going to watch them again as a refresher. It should be much fun.

Yeah I am late, but Happy New Year anyway!

I have posted some pictures from the trip on flickr if you are interested. We had a wonderful time. It was so very nice to be away from everything for a few days. If only it could have lasted longer, but like I said I am very happy to have gotten the time I did.

I have a lot I could talk about, but to be honest I am not really in the blogging mood just wanted to share some pictures.