inside.my.mind

What a week I have had so far.  Seems like when I think it will not, or can’t, get any worse something else happens.  Today I had a nice huge guilt trip laid on me.  I really don’t handle them well.  Today I almost when off when I heard what was being said.  If they had any clue what sort of state I was in nothing would have ever been said.

So I got off the phone even less happy that when I got on, I had been hoping that it would be an improvement but I was wrong.  After the call I decided I would go “run” until I either felt better or passed out.  Turns out I can’t even do that.  I was try to run pretty much as fast as I could in an effort to just make it all go away.  I made it about a minute before my leg started killing me again.  I hurt it on Saturday, but I thought it was better.  I was wrong.  It has stopped hurting again, so I think it was just giving me a warning to cool it.

So much negative in this place lately, I don’t like that.  This is not who I am.  I am the person that is always smiling, not the one constantly depressed.  I am still here, I still have some wonderful people in my life, even if all the relationships are not what I wish they were.  I will get thought this.  I will not let this destroy me.  People can belittle me and what I do all they want, they can discount what I do, think I am nothing, but it is not true.  I am worth something.  I may not be the most excited person, but I will always be there for the ones who will let me.  I am not going to lie and say that I like it or that it is easy when someone else comes along who you think is better, but guess who will be there long term and who will not.

Now just have to try and hold on to this bit of positive thought.

This week seems to be full of realizations that I never wanted.  Things keep working themselves into my head and I can’t make it stop.  I was to the point where I was able to filter out the negative thinks I say about myself.  Now I am feeling more worthless than ever.  I am sure much of what I see is just inside my mind and not necessarily what is really happening.  For what ever reason my brain takes things that are at the fore front of my mind and pushes whatever is going on to extremes.

If I feel like something is going well internally I will see it as great.  Whole futures are planned off a single event that always turns out to be nothing.  Having a future built out for something is wonderful until it goes wrong, then I have the dead weight of it on me.  This ends up happening over and over again, at time the cycle can happen in a matter of minutes.

The same type sort of process happens with something bad seems to happen.  I see it as a catastrophe.  When I find out things are not as bad as I thought it is much better than what happen if I thought something good had happen.  All this goes on without anyone being able to tell, well without most people knowing.  Sunday I had three people who noticed.  Two I was not surprised about, they know me better than anyone, maybe better than myself.

I do my best to keep this whole thing under control, if fact though the normal course of my life I do a pretty good job at it.  It is when something comes alone and gives me a glimmer of hope that things could get better that I start having problems.  It is not the hope that is the problem, it is what my brain does with it that at some point brings me crashing back down.

I have no clue why I am writing this where the whole world can read it, but there it is a real look inside my mind.

I know I am never going to be able to find the words to adequately convey my day.  I do believe that this has been the hardest day I have had in the last couple of years.  I lost count of the number of times I just started crying.  Though out all that has gone in my life I have always had a goal.  This goal is always in the back of my mind.  It is what gives me the strength to carry on when life get hard, when people leave, when situations destroys years of work, when I have no other reason for wanting to continue.  For whatever reason as hard as this goal was going to be to accomplish I always held on to it, never for a second doubting that one day I would make it.

Today that changed.  Today I came to the realization that no matter what I do this is not something that I have control over.  This thing that I have dreamed of my whole life may never come to be.  To be quite honest it will truly be an act of God if it ever does come to be, but I can’t leave, I can’t just walk out on where I feel like I should be, even if that means this is where I will be for the rest of my life.  I can’t just abandon so many to try and chase after something that I may never get to have.  I could be greatly exaggerating my place, who knows, but I feel like I might be making a difference.

At the same time I don’t know how I will be able to continue on with out this dream to hold on to.  I know I am completely contradicting what I just said.  I keep going back and forth between everything will be ok to breaking down again.  Who would have thought that I could go from being so happy on Saturday to this today, but who am I kidding a good portion of Saturday being so great was just in my head as well.

I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know what to do.  I force all this into the depths of my mind so that I could make it though all that I needed to get done today.  Now that I am home it is crawling back out.  Right now I hate where I am.  Everything seems so far away.  All that I have ever wanted is so far out of my reach.  So many things pulling at me.

I should apologize for this entry, but I am not going to.  This is my reality right now.  I am not trying to get anyone to do anything, I am not looking for pity, what I am looking for a person cannot give me.

For the third day this week I attempted a run, it is more like a jog, and I have come to the conclusion that my lungs hate me.  When I was a child and teenager I had a lot of breathing problems.  I thought they were pretty much all gone, but I am not so sure.  I am sure I have mentioned this before, but inside on some sort of equipment I can get a heck of a lot further than I can outside.  When outside it seems like I get instantly out of breath.  I don’t want to run inside any more.  I want to be outside in this wonderful weather, I want to run a 5k before I die, and that can’t happen indoors.  Ergo I have been trying to run outside.  It is hard and I am doing a little better, but it such a small difference that it is discouraging.  I am going to try and stick with it.  I want to be able to do this.

I want to skip the next couple of days.  Work is going to be crazy I think.  Looking at the list of stuff we have to do verses the amount of time does not look good, at least for tomorrow.  The boss wants to be out on time this Friday so I am sure I will be done at most an hour late, so that will be good.

My poor neighbors.  I have been setting here blogging away, listening to music, and singing.  Normally that would not be an issue, but it is so nice out that I opened a window and forgot it is open.  I am hoping that you can’t be arrested for singing poorly.  I remember when I would never sing in front of anyone, at a volume where you could hear words coming out.  I have gotten better about not caring and just doing it anyway.  Last year on the ski trip I was sing loud in front of everyone, it may have been a first.  Good times.

What do you do when you want to help, but don’t know what to do?  How do you get someone to believe that you really do want to be there to help and are not just saying it to be nice?  I have multiple people in my life right now that I want to do so much to help, but just feel useless.

I hate my inability to communicate properly.  It is such a frustrating thing to be so locked inside of ones self.  I have tons of things that I want to talk about, but can’t ever manage to more than a small portion of them out, and even those are due to the skill of a couple of very close friends and even then it seems to only be a shadow of what it was in my head.

It feels like my head is going to explode.

If you remember I said I was going to read some Jules Verne. Well today I finished the collection I was reading. It contained Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, The Mysterious Island, Journey to the Center of the Earth, and Around the World in Eighty Days. It is strange to me that the one book of the group I had not heard of ended up being the one I liked the best. The Mysterious Island was by far the one I enjoyed the most. Now that I have finished some Jules Verne I have moved on to Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.

This was the weekend of music.  Friday night church had song writers’ night.  Bryon Rice and Charles Green performed they were both very good.  I really enjoy those nights at church and getting to hear new artists.  I hope they keep it up.

Saturday we were going to go to the Earth Day festivities, but the rain changed our minds.  Instead we went to a bunch of the stores next until it was time to meet for musical even two of the weekend.  The picture is Spence and me getting ready to race while waiting on the others to arrive.  Ran three races, added more people on the other two, and I almost passed out.  I am so out of shape, but I did manage to win all three!

We went to do dinner and then to see Casting Crowns.  Wonderful show!  Great time with wonderful people.  I love it when we get to do things with the youth, and of course all our friends who joined us!

What a week I had last week. It was really bad, but surprisingly I am ok with that. When the weekend got here more bad things happen. Not all bad, had a couple happy things happen that make me not focus on the bad quite so much.

Saturday went to the Nashville Zoo for the first time ever. Work had a lunch thing there so we go to go for the day if we wanted. Not the greatest zoo I have ever been to, but it was pretty entertaining. Got to hang out with Sis and Julie which is something I don’t do enough of so that was good. On the way out we ran into Noelle and Ani which was a very pleasant surprise, I had not seen them in a couple of weeks.

On the way home from the zoo I was driving along minding my own business when I ran up on what looked to be a pallet that had been ran over by a few cars. Well I add another car to that count, since I could not avoid it. Thought it was no big deal and came home changed clothes and when for a little (and I do mean little I am still not doing all that great) jog/run. When I was coming back to where my car is parked I noticed that I was sitting a little funny. Well turns out my front driver side tire was completely flat. With the help of Sis got the ghetto little tire on there. Leah and Mandy were kind enough to come pick up on their way back from Cookeville so I did not have to try and drive that far on the stupid little tire. Sunday after church Leah and Heather where very sweet and drove me back home.

After I got back home I drove around trying to find a place to fix my tire. Finally found a place and was there for 15 minutes when they told me it could not be fix and that I would have to buy a new one. They had a list for me to pick from. None of them where the same brand as the tires already on my car, so I told them no thank you. They looked at me like I was the biggest idiot on the planet. I know it is stupid, but it would have driven me mad to not have all four tires being at least the same brand. To keep this from getting to much longer, I stayed out of work today to find a tire and now have four normal tires again all of the same brand. You have no idea how slow 50 is until you can’t drive over it with out dying.

I had a really bad day at work today. It was one of those day where everything seem to go wrong. In fact things from weeks ago even went bad. People were in bad moods. Temperature was all wrong.

I am sure you get the point, but for once this is not about what went wrong, but about how even a bad day can have a pretty good ending. I went and got a hair cut and the lady that did it was super friendly. She shifted me from a very negative mind set to an almost positive one. Normally I don’t talk much during the hair cutting process, but she talked and ask question. It was just nice.

Then to make the night even so much better than the day Leah called and I get to talk to her on her way home. Turned out to be a pretty good night!

It was so nice outside today I thought I would not waste it.  So I came home changed and attempted to run.  I don’t know what it is about running outside, but I suck at it.  Put me on something inside at a gym and I can stay at a pretty constant pace the whole time, and even feel pretty good afterward.  If I run outside I am out of breath in less that three minutes and have to stop running and take a walking break after no more than five minutes.

I got back today and was almost sick.  I am going to try and force myself to keep trying.  I am really hoping that I can increase the time between walks and the time before I get sick.  Who knows, maybe I am doing it wrong?  Or maybe I am just super out of shape.  Either way at some point I want to run at least one 5k before I die, so I need to get with it.

On a side note, I have communication issues.  I want to see how people are doing, but get so freaked out about it that I never can see how they are doing.  It happens to me all the time.  Does not matter if it is in person or not, although I think in person might be a bit easier.