Apr 27 2008
What happens when dreams fail
I know I am never going to be able to find the words to adequately convey my day. I do believe that this has been the hardest day I have had in the last couple of years. I lost count of the number of times I just started crying. Though out all that has gone in my life I have always had a goal. This goal is always in the back of my mind. It is what gives me the strength to carry on when life get hard, when people leave, when situations destroys years of work, when I have no other reason for wanting to continue. For whatever reason as hard as this goal was going to be to accomplish I always held on to it, never for a second doubting that one day I would make it.
Today that changed. Today I came to the realization that no matter what I do this is not something that I have control over. This thing that I have dreamed of my whole life may never come to be. To be quite honest it will truly be an act of God if it ever does come to be, but I can’t leave, I can’t just walk out on where I feel like I should be, even if that means this is where I will be for the rest of my life. I can’t just abandon so many to try and chase after something that I may never get to have. I could be greatly exaggerating my place, who knows, but I feel like I might be making a difference.
At the same time I don’t know how I will be able to continue on with out this dream to hold on to. I know I am completely contradicting what I just said. I keep going back and forth between everything will be ok to breaking down again. Who would have thought that I could go from being so happy on Saturday to this today, but who am I kidding a good portion of Saturday being so great was just in my head as well.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I force all this into the depths of my mind so that I could make it though all that I needed to get done today. Now that I am home it is crawling back out. Right now I hate where I am. Everything seems so far away. All that I have ever wanted is so far out of my reach. So many things pulling at me.
I should apologize for this entry, but I am not going to. This is my reality right now. I am not trying to get anyone to do anything, I am not looking for pity, what I am looking for a person cannot give me.
There is alot going on in your head here lately or forever.
I am not quite sure what to say. I know that Mandy and I aren’t you “better half”, but I know she is out there. Hopefully, I am not scarying her away. Please let me know if I do..K? I know our relationship will NEVER equate your own relationship. However, I know until then we sure do know how to have fun with one another. Love you my man!
There is really nothing to say. It is what it is. You are not scarying anyone away so don’t worry about that! I don’t know how I would have made it this far without you and Mandy.