inside.my.mind

This week seems to be full of realizations that I never wanted.  Things keep working themselves into my head and I can’t make it stop.  I was to the point where I was able to filter out the negative thinks I say about myself.  Now I am feeling more worthless than ever.  I am sure much of what I see is just inside my mind and not necessarily what is really happening.  For what ever reason my brain takes things that are at the fore front of my mind and pushes whatever is going on to extremes.

If I feel like something is going well internally I will see it as great.  Whole futures are planned off a single event that always turns out to be nothing.  Having a future built out for something is wonderful until it goes wrong, then I have the dead weight of it on me.  This ends up happening over and over again, at time the cycle can happen in a matter of minutes.

The same type sort of process happens with something bad seems to happen.  I see it as a catastrophe.  When I find out things are not as bad as I thought it is much better than what happen if I thought something good had happen.  All this goes on without anyone being able to tell, well without most people knowing.  Sunday I had three people who noticed.  Two I was not surprised about, they know me better than anyone, maybe better than myself.

I do my best to keep this whole thing under control, if fact though the normal course of my life I do a pretty good job at it.  It is when something comes alone and gives me a glimmer of hope that things could get better that I start having problems.  It is not the hope that is the problem, it is what my brain does with it that at some point brings me crashing back down.

I have no clue why I am writing this where the whole world can read it, but there it is a real look inside my mind.