inside.my.mind

I just got back from dinner with my small group, Mexican in case what we consumed is of interest.  I remember how nervous I was the first time I attended the group, as is normal for me, but now it is different.  I am pretty comfortable about some of the people.  I still feel kind of out of place, but not as much as I would have in the past.  Even tho I am still not completely comfortable with the whole group I really look forward to Thursday nights.  I hope I can continue to get to know them all better to develop closer relationships with all the members.

It is kind of crazy how I found a church home in a place where I am in the minority.  It is really something that does not even cross my mind most of the time it is just home.  It one of my places of security that helps me forget my problems and gives me hopes about the future.  I don’t know how to express exactly what it means to me, I am just so thankful that everyone is so wonderful to me.

As I sit here and think about the last two and a half to three years, so much has change, I have changed.  I am still not where I want to be in my life, but I am much better off than I was.  It has been very trying journey, but I have some great people who have been there for me though out.  They not the people I would have said would be there for me if you had ask four years ago, most of those people ended up not being what I thought they were, one more so than all the others.

If you read this blog at all you know I still have a really hard time with some of the things in my life.  I get so very frustrated and even depressed at times, but I would not change what happen.  It sucked at the time, but I had was not right.  Looking back I can see how wrong what was going on really was, and can only imagine where it would have gone if things did not go the way they did.

I know I have been though most of this before, but sometimes I just need to write about how far I have come and some of the great things that are in my life now.

I am really not ready to go back to work…nothing strange about that really, but this time is worse. I think it is because of what I am working on. I have been working on it for pretty much a full week and still have at least another day on it. All that would not be a big deal, the problem comes in the fact that I can only test at most a third of the changes I am making. Leave me feeling not so good, but I have repeatedly told my boss about it so I am hoping he will test the rest like I requested.

Ok I hate screwing up. There are so many things to think about it is hard to me to not miss something. The thought of screwing up paralyzes me a lot of times. I guess I am better about it than I used to be, but it is still something I struggle with a lot. I still don’t know if it is better to try or just not bother. I think in the last few years I have leaned more toward trying, but it is hard.

I don’t know what has happen to live over the last couple of months. It seems like everyone is at a distance. The people who are my rocks feel so far away, I miss them. Life has just been so busy for everyone. A song just came on that reminds me of years ago and friend I had that are basically no longer there. I am so scared that it will happen again.

In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

This weekend was very busy and very exhausting.  I did not want to do anything yesterday.  Today is a little better, but not a lot.  It was all worth it to raise money for the youth.  We did pretty well, but still have more to raise.

Saturday we helped setup for the yard sell and then spent the rest of the day on a car wash.  Sunday in addition to all the normal church activities we had a lunch.

It was a good weekend, one of those that you hate to see end even if you are physically and mentally exhausted.  Coming home to nothing is really hard after all the things that went on.  Not really sure if that makes sense to anyone, but that is where I am at.

Monday at work was hard.  We had a lot of problems and I was having trouble thinking clearly.  I was really hoping to leave on time and get some of the mundane things that have to be done that I did not get to this weekend.  Did not get to leave until an hour and a half late.

Today I was still having a really hard time focusing and did not get as much done as I needed, but don’t really know what I could do to change that.  I just did my best and hope that is good enough, it is not like it really matters the more I do now just means the more that they will add right before the release and I will just end up having to stay late either way.

Speaking of work, I finally got my Christmas present!  They got us digital picture frames.  The first one I got did not work and the second had a rose colored frame.  After that there were some staff changes and I think it got forgot.  One of the other people who had the same problems I did emailed and reminded them that we never got ours and now we do.  I just tried and it works!

I had a pretty good “run” today.  Made it around the apartment complex there times, four if you want to count the walking I did on the fourth time around.  I am still very very slow, but it is nice to at least have an improvement in distance.  Not to say that the distance I am going is anything that anyone would be proud of.