inside.my.mind

If you remember I said I was going to read some Jules Verne. Well today I finished the collection I was reading. It contained Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, The Mysterious Island, Journey to the Center of the Earth, and Around the World in Eighty Days. It is strange to me that the one book of the group I had not heard of ended up being the one I liked the best. The Mysterious Island was by far the one I enjoyed the most. Now that I have finished some Jules Verne I have moved on to Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.

This was the weekend of music.  Friday night church had song writers’ night.  Bryon Rice and Charles Green performed they were both very good.  I really enjoy those nights at church and getting to hear new artists.  I hope they keep it up.

Saturday we were going to go to the Earth Day festivities, but the rain changed our minds.  Instead we went to a bunch of the stores next until it was time to meet for musical even two of the weekend.  The picture is Spence and me getting ready to race while waiting on the others to arrive.  Ran three races, added more people on the other two, and I almost passed out.  I am so out of shape, but I did manage to win all three!

We went to do dinner and then to see Casting Crowns.  Wonderful show!  Great time with wonderful people.  I love it when we get to do things with the youth, and of course all our friends who joined us!

Have you all ever seen What About Bob? If you have not I recommend watching it, strike that, owning it. You can get it at Target for five dollars. It will teach you all about baby steps and death therapy. A lesson we all need at times.

I screwed something up at work the other day and it was not found until today in the middle of a demo. I hate screwing things up. I make myself feel far worse than any amount of yelling can do, in fact getting in trouble just tends to make me angry more than anything. I try my best to get everything right, but I am not perfect, I will never be perfect. I make a change that affected a ton of places and missed one. It is so much worse that it was discovered during a demo for some new potential clients. No one has said anything to me about it, so I think all is well.

For all that I freaked out with the last post, I will be ok. I am not better, but I am not worse. I have been far worse during the course of my life and I am still here, so I will make it. Not always easy, but I either keep on trying or I will be stuck forever.

In geek news, Microsoft finally released Vista SP1 to the masses. I downloaded and installed it. Installation took thirty minutes or so and something like four reboots. I really can’t say that I can tell a difference, but I was not having any problems before, so I am not really surprised.

You know I have head it said that doing the same thing over and over expecting to get a different result is a definition of insanity. I some how keep getting myself in the position of getting taking advantage of in one way or another. I do this over and over. I trust someone, and they use it against me. In a lot of cases over and over again. As soon as they are given the chance they are gone and don’t look back, unless something goes wrong.

I will never be the most exciting friend you have. I will never be a person that you have wonderful conversations with. New people will always come along that get your attention. Over the course of my life I have lost count of all the people who at one point or another thought of me as being their best friend. It never fails that something or someone comes along that is more interesting.

I guess this has grown to be one of my biggest fears in life. I have some really wonderful friends, but all of them have something that will always come before me and they should. I am not trying to sound like a brat and I am sure that is how this is coming across, but screw it I don’t really care. I am tired of this life. I am tired of never ending days with no hope of chance in sight. I am sure you are sitting there thinking that if I don’t like it change it. I have tried and am trying. I have done so many things to try and get my life out of this rut that I would have never seen myself doing even three years ago. I will keep trying and maybe one day something will work. I have a couple of things that I do that I manage to find happiness in, so I will keep doing them to get by until I can manage to find what ever it is that will make this all end.

Don’t freak out if you can’t leave a comment I have disabled them for this post. I know you would just be trying to help, but I don’t want any crap caused by something that maybe said, so if you have something to say email it to me, my address is on the contact page.

I have once again canceled my netflix account. I have one more movie to watch and then I am done. More than likely at some point in the future I will rejoin. I don’t think it will ever be a service I subscribe to continuously. It is great for the winter time when it is cold out, but now that the weather is getting nicer I don’t need it. It also means I will fall behind on movies once again, but who cares.

This week has been ok. Nothing really note worthy. In case you have not noticed I have been slowly been posting pictures from a couple of weeks ago on flickr. You all are dirty people seeing that the squirrel picture has gotten a lot more views than any of the others.

I am very ready for the weekend. The whole time change thing has really screwed with my ability to sleep, so I am hoping to catch up this weekend.

Target is open now, but it has been so packed that I have not even tried to go yet. I am thinking maybe Saturday I will brave the crowds and check it out.

What a week this has been so far. Something about everyday has really sucked. Monday I was almost falling asleep, Tuesday everyone says I was grumpy, and today was worse than the other two days combined. I really hope this trend does not continue.

As you can see I used the squirrel picture I was talking about yesterday on today’s post. If you go to flickr and look at a larger version you will be able to see what I was talking about.

I don’t guess this post really has a point other than I needed to vent and the neighborers are really getting sick and tired of me going outside and screaming my lungs out.

Some of you might find this entertaining. The boss snapped at me about something today and I snapped back a bit. He said something that I knew was not the way it was and told him as much. He said I was wrong. I went back to my desk and looked up the code that showed me right. Told him about it. I still ended up doing it the way he wanted, but that was not the point. He was a butt to me for no reason and I proved that I was right. I spent the whole afternoon pissed off. It was not even about who was right or wrong it was just the way he acted. I really just don’t even want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to say screw it, but for whatever reason I can’t do that.

I lack the ability to just say screw it to things. Some people that is all they do. Not sure which way would make life easier. Oh well back to my exercise.

This weekend was wonderful outside. I have put a couple of pictures I took on Saturday up on flickr. In the picture of the squirrel I got more than I barged for, but had to post it anyway. Hoping some of you will at least get a laugh out of it.

Just some FYI, the server transfer went though just fine along with the DNS transfer. If anyone sees any problems let me know, but things have been running great for the last week so I don’t think we will have any problems.

This past weekend wore me out. By the end of day yesterday I was almost falling asleep at the keyboard. Today I did not feel sleepy, but from what my co-works were saying I was being a grump. They were right, I cough myself thinking some very grumpy things.

Isn’t it funny how when you think you might finally be figuring some stuff out things end up more confused than ever?

I have a song I want to hear. I don’t know the artist, title, or any of the words. All I know is it a sad sounding song with a female singing. I talked to Dusty about this and he is right I am going to have to go though everything I have to find it. I am not sure I want to hear it that bad.

I forgot to mention, but I finally finished all the complete Sherlock Holmes book that I bought a few years ago. I had a lot of trouble with it at first, but after I got used to the language it was pretty enjoyable. I have now moved on to Jules Verne. It has four of five of his novels in it so I will be reading it for awhile. After I finish that I maybe asking for some reading suggestions.

Saturday evening/night we build a fire! The temperature was great for it. I don’ t know what it is but I alway have liked poking around a fire. I remember when Dad used to make me go “camping” with him and his friends. Fire was fun back then, but I did not stay around it since it was always surrounded by drunk adults.

Sunday I finally joined the church. About time right? I thought so too.

Interesting weekend. Don’t think anything went as planed, but that is ok I guess. Saturday met family in Cookeville for lunch. After that met Mandy and Leah and Leah’s parents for a little bit. After that I had to be back in Nashville for a little get together for Sidda’s third birthday.

When I got to Opery Mills I was getting out of the car about to grab my camera when I thought to myself it is just for dinner I will not need it. Huge mistake. I missed so many good pictures because I was stupid and did not bing my camera in. So now I am stuck with nothing but crappy cell phone pictures.

My head is completely stopped up. I can’t sleep as much as I would like because I wake up not being about to get a enough air. I don’t like this one bit. If that was not bad enough the boss is out at work this coming week and I really do not need to miss. We will see how it goes.

I am going to take some medicine and go to bed.

I think things might finally be slowing down a bit. Seems like I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for the last few weeks. Been in and out of town, work has been crazy, my mind is all over the place. Some really good times and some really bad.

I think the huge push that was going on at work will be over for a while after this week is over, of course another will take its place, but I am hoping for a week or two break. I don’t have any plans to leave town again in the next few weeks. Bring on the calmness!

It is crazy to think that this time two years ago my life changed in a crazy way that I had hoped to never experience. That has been on my mind a lot the last few weeks, but I guess that is to be expected around this time of year. I have changed a lot in the last two years, at least I think I have. Who knows what you all think. I feel so different, but at the same time I don’t. It really is hard to explain how I think of myself. Not really something I would want you all to see anyway.

I was so happy to be back at my church this past weekend. I had missed it so very much. I got to see most of the people I wanted, including a good portion of my kids. It is hard to catch everyone in the same week, so maybe this coming weekend I can see the rest of them. It is crazy how much comfort that place provides for me. There are so many wonderful people there, most of who I don’t know anywhere as much as I would like. I am very thankful for all of them.

Speaking of not knowing people like I would like. That seems to be a recurring theme in my life. It is not because I don’t want to know people better I just don’t know how to go about it. It take a really long time for me to get to know people and most people don’t bother. I would love to be able to go up and talk to just anyone, but I just don’t seem to work that way. When I am around most people I want to talk and have a good time, but I can’t seem to do it, I am trapped inside of me and very little can get out. It is such a frustrating feeling. People seem to think that I would prefer to play game or something to sitting around talking to people, but that is far from the truth. I will shut up now I am sure that will not make sense to anyone but me.

A coworker let me borrow the Bourne movies so I am hopping to watch them at some point this weekend. I have seen the first two already, but am going to watch them again as a refresher. It should be much fun.