inside.my.mind

What a week I have had.  I don’t even know how to start…I don’t really guess I can.  Might just be the hardest of the year.  I am so glad tomorrow is Friday.  Work has sucked and lots of stressfullness outside of work.

All will be ok, I am no quiting or giving up.  Sometimes I feel like I make no difference.

Happy birthday to all you end of August people that I know!

First off, you all will be happy to know that my face is no longer numb.  I know huge surprise seeing that it has been over a week since it was numb.  Every time I get a cavity filled my teeth feel like they don’t fit right for at least a week.  I guess the slightest change in the surface of a tooth makes your teeth fit together differently that before.  Luckily after a week or so all feels normal again.

I got to help out with a three month old last weekend!  It was a lot of fun, and she was such a good baby.  It was a good experience and I think it is something I could do, which is good to find out seeing that I do want to have kids at some point in my life.  I am not saying I know everything about taking care of one that small, Leah and Mandy could tell you that is not the case, but I feel a little more conformable that I could do it.

Going to be out of town this weekend and I am hoping it is going to be nothing but relaxing.  I am now wishing that I did not have to work on Friday, but hopefully it will be a slower day than the rest of the week has been.  It has not really been a bad week just a lot going on, but now that I think of it there has been a lot going on for months (with life in general, not so much work).

So many things going on, trying to make them all right.

I am still disappoint, hurt, and even pissed off.  I don’t like feeling like this, especially for this long.  It make the rest of life so much harder to live.  I find myself getting so very frustated over little things, or maybe big things that I have always made out to be nothing.  I want so scream … at the top of my lungs, but I can’t.

Why can’t I?  Why do I always have to worry about so many other things?  Why is it that when I make chocies that are right, albeit not easyest for me, things seem to not work out or someone else gets the benifit with no thought of me at all.  I know I sound like a brat…but this is how I feel.  It is like I am beating my head on a concret wall, thinking if I hit it just one more time it might break, although it is me breaking and not the wall.

Don’t you miss the times when I just did not bother to blog?  On a more plesent note, I have been able to run again.  I ran Friday night, Saturday morning, and tonight.  I am hoping that it will help get rid of some of this crap that I have built up inside.

Life is not all bad.  I just have a focus problem…maybe.  I wish I was better at writing about good things.

Today was dentist day.  Was the first time I have been in at least three years.  It was not the most pleasant experience I have ever had, but that is my fault.  The people were great and did a wonderful job.  I had three cavities that I have to get filled in a couple of weeks.  My teeth feel so much better now, wish I had made myself take the time to go before now.  If you have been avoiding going please stop and just do it.  It will suck until you get the result of your neglect taken care of, but will be worth it.

I am feeling like crap.  I don’t know if it is going from being around so many people and do something from the time I wake up until I go to bed to being alone or what.  No telling with me.  I try to help and do what is right and it seems all that ever happens is crap.

Speaking of the trip…a lot of us fell.  One person feel down a hill on to concreted, another fell down a hill on grass, and I sprang my ankle and fell on my face playing racquetball.  It was my first time playing racquteball, and it was a blast.

Just wanted to stop by and let everyone know I made it back home safelly from NYE.  I think we all had a great time and I am ready for some rest.

I had a very plesent suprise waiting on me when I got home, one of my pictures was used on Nashvillest!

It has been a few weeks since I have blogged.  I have had a lot going on.  Good and bad, such is the nature of life I guess.  Point being I have not been in the greatest state of mind.  Normally I don’t mind dumping all that on to this internet, but in this case I know it would get to places that it did not need to be.  Rather than blog and having it bring up more crap I decided that this time I needed to keep everything internal.  Not the best way to deal with something, but I can’t seem to express what I am feeling in words.

I have some good news!  Yesterday I reached my goal weight of 170!  It has taken a very long time, but I am very happy to have finally reach the goal I set for myself.  Seems like that is two goals that I have reached this year, but I can’t seem to remember what the other one was.  I have also started running again.  I have been three times since Saturday and so far my knee seems to be doing alright.  It still pops a lot, but I have not had anymore pain.  I am hoping that I will be able to run a 5k before the year is out.

In a couple of hours I will be leaving for the UCC’s National Youth Event(NYE).  We are taking six kids.  NYE happens every four years on the campus of the University of Tennessee at Knoxville.  I have not been on that campus since I visited Sara there many years ago.  Now I get to experience 4 nights in the dorms.  There is no way in the world they can be any worse than my dorm at TTU, it is just not possible.  All that to say I am going to be out of town until sometime on Monday.

Before I forget, new pictures on flickr!  I walked around Vandy’s campus a bit yesterday morning while I was having some maintenance done on my car.  Two hours of walking and only 30 pictures, and only 4 of those made it to flickr.

It has been awhile since I have posted and a lot has gone on.  People have decided to no longer be my friend.  I guess that is fine, I just would have thought that would be my choice, but does not seem to be the case.  I honestly don’t understand how that works.

Guess I might as well get this out of the way, I have ask Sis to be moved out of the apartment by August 27th.  It is a very long story that I don’t really want to go into.  It is the best thing for me.  I need to live alone or with people who I can trust and respect me and I just don’t have that with her at this point.  It was a very hard decision, but it really will be the best for me.

I am offically 27 now and feeling much older after the last week or so.  I honestly can’t believe everything that has happen.  I don’t know how to express the way it make me feel.  I think what really amazes me is how many people don’t seem to see the real issue in what has been going on, such is life I guess.

I want to write so much more about how I feel, but this is not the place to do it.  I would turn to my journal like I normaly do for stuff like this, but I honestly don’t feel safe writing things in it any more.  It is NOT fair that all this has been taken from me.  I did not do anything WRONG!

For some reason I ended up ready twenty minutes earlier than normal, so I thought I would take a few of those minutes to blog.

This week has been crazy in so many ways.  Mostly because of the things I alluded to in my last post.  Unfortunately I can’t do anything about it.  I just have to wait and see what happens, at least in the short term.  I am working on a long term solution, at least for a portion of it.  I guess that is enough cryptic talk for one morning.

Luckily work, for the first week in a LONG time, has been really calm.  I have been out the door at four pretty much every day this week.  Maybe it is to balance out all the other stuff that has been going on.  I have not been productive with my extra time, but really I have just been doing things keep my focus away from the crap.

It is Friday!  I am so ready for this weekend to be here.  I don’t really have anything planned, other than a trip to the bank on Saturday.  I need to catch up on BSG, so maybe I will find time to do that as well.  I have been out of town the last couple of weekend, so really it is going to be nice to not have the traveling headaches.

This weekend was pretty freking screwed up. I am not even going to talk about it. I am sure more than should already know what is going on. Wish I could say it was over, but I am not so sure it is.

Luckily had a few good things in the mix. Got to see some of the family even it was completely and totally busy. Got to drive faster on a little back road than is safe. Rode a dirt bike a bit, seems I have reverted to being not so good that it. Got to see some people acting crazy. Fun stuff!