inside.my.mind

It has been a few weeks since I have blogged.  I have had a lot going on.  Good and bad, such is the nature of life I guess.  Point being I have not been in the greatest state of mind.  Normally I don’t mind dumping all that on to this internet, but in this case I know it would get to places that it did not need to be.  Rather than blog and having it bring up more crap I decided that this time I needed to keep everything internal.  Not the best way to deal with something, but I can’t seem to express what I am feeling in words.

I have some good news!  Yesterday I reached my goal weight of 170!  It has taken a very long time, but I am very happy to have finally reach the goal I set for myself.  Seems like that is two goals that I have reached this year, but I can’t seem to remember what the other one was.  I have also started running again.  I have been three times since Saturday and so far my knee seems to be doing alright.  It still pops a lot, but I have not had anymore pain.  I am hoping that I will be able to run a 5k before the year is out.

In a couple of hours I will be leaving for the UCC’s National Youth Event(NYE).  We are taking six kids.  NYE happens every four years on the campus of the University of Tennessee at Knoxville.  I have not been on that campus since I visited Sara there many years ago.  Now I get to experience 4 nights in the dorms.  There is no way in the world they can be any worse than my dorm at TTU, it is just not possible.  All that to say I am going to be out of town until sometime on Monday.

Before I forget, new pictures on flickr!  I walked around Vandy’s campus a bit yesterday morning while I was having some maintenance done on my car.  Two hours of walking and only 30 pictures, and only 4 of those made it to flickr.

It has been awhile since I have posted and a lot has gone on.  People have decided to no longer be my friend.  I guess that is fine, I just would have thought that would be my choice, but does not seem to be the case.  I honestly don’t understand how that works.

Guess I might as well get this out of the way, I have ask Sis to be moved out of the apartment by August 27th.  It is a very long story that I don’t really want to go into.  It is the best thing for me.  I need to live alone or with people who I can trust and respect me and I just don’t have that with her at this point.  It was a very hard decision, but it really will be the best for me.

I am offically 27 now and feeling much older after the last week or so.  I honestly can’t believe everything that has happen.  I don’t know how to express the way it make me feel.  I think what really amazes me is how many people don’t seem to see the real issue in what has been going on, such is life I guess.

I want to write so much more about how I feel, but this is not the place to do it.  I would turn to my journal like I normaly do for stuff like this, but I honestly don’t feel safe writing things in it any more.  It is NOT fair that all this has been taken from me.  I did not do anything WRONG!

For some reason I ended up ready twenty minutes earlier than normal, so I thought I would take a few of those minutes to blog.

This week has been crazy in so many ways.  Mostly because of the things I alluded to in my last post.  Unfortunately I can’t do anything about it.  I just have to wait and see what happens, at least in the short term.  I am working on a long term solution, at least for a portion of it.  I guess that is enough cryptic talk for one morning.

Luckily work, for the first week in a LONG time, has been really calm.  I have been out the door at four pretty much every day this week.  Maybe it is to balance out all the other stuff that has been going on.  I have not been productive with my extra time, but really I have just been doing things keep my focus away from the crap.

It is Friday!  I am so ready for this weekend to be here.  I don’t really have anything planned, other than a trip to the bank on Saturday.  I need to catch up on BSG, so maybe I will find time to do that as well.  I have been out of town the last couple of weekend, so really it is going to be nice to not have the traveling headaches.

This weekend was pretty freking screwed up. I am not even going to talk about it. I am sure more than should already know what is going on. Wish I could say it was over, but I am not so sure it is.

Luckily had a few good things in the mix. Got to see some of the family even it was completely and totally busy. Got to drive faster on a little back road than is safe. Rode a dirt bike a bit, seems I have reverted to being not so good that it. Got to see some people acting crazy. Fun stuff!

I took Friday so I could have a four day weekend.  It was great.  I spend most of Friday in Cookeville with Leah.  We had lunch with Kevin which was a lot of fun as always.  Friday night we headed to the boat were the rest of the weekend was spent.

Friday night after we unloaded everything and said our hellos to Mandy, who beat us there, we took a ride around the lake.  It was a bit cool out, but very pretty.

Saturday morning I woke up about six and went for a run.  When I got back everyone was still in bed so I grabbed the camera and headed off walking around the lake.  It was a nice morning walk and it was wonderful to be out taking photos.  Sis joined us sometime late Friday night and Mom got there at some point Saturday morning.  We all just relaxed and enjoyed the time together.  One of Mandy’s coworkers came with her family and they all went out on the lake and I stayed and talked with Mom.  It was a very slow and relaxing day.  After everyone went to be I walked over to the old boat ramp and laid and looked at the stars for I don’t know how long, I even saw one shooting star.

Sunday Leah and Heather joined us.  They got to see me freaking out getting pulled behind the boat on a tub thing with Mandy and then Leah.  I was in a pretty strange mood Sunday.  When I get like that I do and say things that normally I would not.  I never know how to feel when it passes and I think about the fool I have made of myself, for my college people think 2 am in KY with DP.

Monday I had to come back home to wash clothes and get food for the week and all that other adult crap that I was able to escape for the weekend.  Nothing really to talk about for the rest of Monday, other than it stormed really bad and I was glad to not be stuck out in it.

Today was back to work which is never fun.  Not to mention I had to face the ramifications of not watching myself this weekend.  I ate whatever was there and drank a 12 pack of caffeinated drinks.  I gained 8 pounds and was unable to sleep very well last night.  Now I have to start working to lose the weight and endure the headache that is coming from having that much caffeine and going back to none.

I just got back from dinner with my small group, Mexican in case what we consumed is of interest.  I remember how nervous I was the first time I attended the group, as is normal for me, but now it is different.  I am pretty comfortable about some of the people.  I still feel kind of out of place, but not as much as I would have in the past.  Even tho I am still not completely comfortable with the whole group I really look forward to Thursday nights.  I hope I can continue to get to know them all better to develop closer relationships with all the members.

It is kind of crazy how I found a church home in a place where I am in the minority.  It is really something that does not even cross my mind most of the time it is just home.  It one of my places of security that helps me forget my problems and gives me hopes about the future.  I don’t know how to express exactly what it means to me, I am just so thankful that everyone is so wonderful to me.

As I sit here and think about the last two and a half to three years, so much has change, I have changed.  I am still not where I want to be in my life, but I am much better off than I was.  It has been very trying journey, but I have some great people who have been there for me though out.  They not the people I would have said would be there for me if you had ask four years ago, most of those people ended up not being what I thought they were, one more so than all the others.

If you read this blog at all you know I still have a really hard time with some of the things in my life.  I get so very frustrated and even depressed at times, but I would not change what happen.  It sucked at the time, but I had was not right.  Looking back I can see how wrong what was going on really was, and can only imagine where it would have gone if things did not go the way they did.

I know I have been though most of this before, but sometimes I just need to write about how far I have come and some of the great things that are in my life now.

I am really not ready to go back to work…nothing strange about that really, but this time is worse. I think it is because of what I am working on. I have been working on it for pretty much a full week and still have at least another day on it. All that would not be a big deal, the problem comes in the fact that I can only test at most a third of the changes I am making. Leave me feeling not so good, but I have repeatedly told my boss about it so I am hoping he will test the rest like I requested.

Ok I hate screwing up. There are so many things to think about it is hard to me to not miss something. The thought of screwing up paralyzes me a lot of times. I guess I am better about it than I used to be, but it is still something I struggle with a lot. I still don’t know if it is better to try or just not bother. I think in the last few years I have leaned more toward trying, but it is hard.

I don’t know what has happen to live over the last couple of months. It seems like everyone is at a distance. The people who are my rocks feel so far away, I miss them. Life has just been so busy for everyone. A song just came on that reminds me of years ago and friend I had that are basically no longer there. I am so scared that it will happen again.

In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

This weekend was very busy and very exhausting.  I did not want to do anything yesterday.  Today is a little better, but not a lot.  It was all worth it to raise money for the youth.  We did pretty well, but still have more to raise.

Saturday we helped setup for the yard sell and then spent the rest of the day on a car wash.  Sunday in addition to all the normal church activities we had a lunch.

It was a good weekend, one of those that you hate to see end even if you are physically and mentally exhausted.  Coming home to nothing is really hard after all the things that went on.  Not really sure if that makes sense to anyone, but that is where I am at.

Monday at work was hard.  We had a lot of problems and I was having trouble thinking clearly.  I was really hoping to leave on time and get some of the mundane things that have to be done that I did not get to this weekend.  Did not get to leave until an hour and a half late.

Today I was still having a really hard time focusing and did not get as much done as I needed, but don’t really know what I could do to change that.  I just did my best and hope that is good enough, it is not like it really matters the more I do now just means the more that they will add right before the release and I will just end up having to stay late either way.

Speaking of work, I finally got my Christmas present!  They got us digital picture frames.  The first one I got did not work and the second had a rose colored frame.  After that there were some staff changes and I think it got forgot.  One of the other people who had the same problems I did emailed and reminded them that we never got ours and now we do.  I just tried and it works!

I had a pretty good “run” today.  Made it around the apartment complex there times, four if you want to count the walking I did on the fourth time around.  I am still very very slow, but it is nice to at least have an improvement in distance.  Not to say that the distance I am going is anything that anyone would be proud of.

What a week I have had so far.  Seems like when I think it will not, or can’t, get any worse something else happens.  Today I had a nice huge guilt trip laid on me.  I really don’t handle them well.  Today I almost when off when I heard what was being said.  If they had any clue what sort of state I was in nothing would have ever been said.

So I got off the phone even less happy that when I got on, I had been hoping that it would be an improvement but I was wrong.  After the call I decided I would go “run” until I either felt better or passed out.  Turns out I can’t even do that.  I was try to run pretty much as fast as I could in an effort to just make it all go away.  I made it about a minute before my leg started killing me again.  I hurt it on Saturday, but I thought it was better.  I was wrong.  It has stopped hurting again, so I think it was just giving me a warning to cool it.

So much negative in this place lately, I don’t like that.  This is not who I am.  I am the person that is always smiling, not the one constantly depressed.  I am still here, I still have some wonderful people in my life, even if all the relationships are not what I wish they were.  I will get thought this.  I will not let this destroy me.  People can belittle me and what I do all they want, they can discount what I do, think I am nothing, but it is not true.  I am worth something.  I may not be the most excited person, but I will always be there for the ones who will let me.  I am not going to lie and say that I like it or that it is easy when someone else comes along who you think is better, but guess who will be there long term and who will not.

Now just have to try and hold on to this bit of positive thought.