inside.my.mind

I am really not ready to go back to work…nothing strange about that really, but this time is worse. I think it is because of what I am working on. I have been working on it for pretty much a full week and still have at least another day on it. All that would not be a big deal, the problem comes in the fact that I can only test at most a third of the changes I am making. Leave me feeling not so good, but I have repeatedly told my boss about it so I am hoping he will test the rest like I requested.

Ok I hate screwing up. There are so many things to think about it is hard to me to not miss something. The thought of screwing up paralyzes me a lot of times. I guess I am better about it than I used to be, but it is still something I struggle with a lot. I still don’t know if it is better to try or just not bother. I think in the last few years I have leaned more toward trying, but it is hard.

I don’t know what has happen to live over the last couple of months. It seems like everyone is at a distance. The people who are my rocks feel so far away, I miss them. Life has just been so busy for everyone. A song just came on that reminds me of years ago and friend I had that are basically no longer there. I am so scared that it will happen again.

In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

This weekend was very busy and very exhausting.  I did not want to do anything yesterday.  Today is a little better, but not a lot.  It was all worth it to raise money for the youth.  We did pretty well, but still have more to raise.

Saturday we helped setup for the yard sell and then spent the rest of the day on a car wash.  Sunday in addition to all the normal church activities we had a lunch.

It was a good weekend, one of those that you hate to see end even if you are physically and mentally exhausted.  Coming home to nothing is really hard after all the things that went on.  Not really sure if that makes sense to anyone, but that is where I am at.

Monday at work was hard.  We had a lot of problems and I was having trouble thinking clearly.  I was really hoping to leave on time and get some of the mundane things that have to be done that I did not get to this weekend.  Did not get to leave until an hour and a half late.

Today I was still having a really hard time focusing and did not get as much done as I needed, but don’t really know what I could do to change that.  I just did my best and hope that is good enough, it is not like it really matters the more I do now just means the more that they will add right before the release and I will just end up having to stay late either way.

Speaking of work, I finally got my Christmas present!  They got us digital picture frames.  The first one I got did not work and the second had a rose colored frame.  After that there were some staff changes and I think it got forgot.  One of the other people who had the same problems I did emailed and reminded them that we never got ours and now we do.  I just tried and it works!

I had a pretty good “run” today.  Made it around the apartment complex there times, four if you want to count the walking I did on the fourth time around.  I am still very very slow, but it is nice to at least have an improvement in distance.  Not to say that the distance I am going is anything that anyone would be proud of.

For the third day this week I attempted a run, it is more like a jog, and I have come to the conclusion that my lungs hate me.  When I was a child and teenager I had a lot of breathing problems.  I thought they were pretty much all gone, but I am not so sure.  I am sure I have mentioned this before, but inside on some sort of equipment I can get a heck of a lot further than I can outside.  When outside it seems like I get instantly out of breath.  I don’t want to run inside any more.  I want to be outside in this wonderful weather, I want to run a 5k before I die, and that can’t happen indoors.  Ergo I have been trying to run outside.  It is hard and I am doing a little better, but it such a small difference that it is discouraging.  I am going to try and stick with it.  I want to be able to do this.

I want to skip the next couple of days.  Work is going to be crazy I think.  Looking at the list of stuff we have to do verses the amount of time does not look good, at least for tomorrow.  The boss wants to be out on time this Friday so I am sure I will be done at most an hour late, so that will be good.

My poor neighbors.  I have been setting here blogging away, listening to music, and singing.  Normally that would not be an issue, but it is so nice out that I opened a window and forgot it is open.  I am hoping that you can’t be arrested for singing poorly.  I remember when I would never sing in front of anyone, at a volume where you could hear words coming out.  I have gotten better about not caring and just doing it anyway.  Last year on the ski trip I was sing loud in front of everyone, it may have been a first.  Good times.

What a week I had last week. It was really bad, but surprisingly I am ok with that. When the weekend got here more bad things happen. Not all bad, had a couple happy things happen that make me not focus on the bad quite so much.

Saturday went to the Nashville Zoo for the first time ever. Work had a lunch thing there so we go to go for the day if we wanted. Not the greatest zoo I have ever been to, but it was pretty entertaining. Got to hang out with Sis and Julie which is something I don’t do enough of so that was good. On the way out we ran into Noelle and Ani which was a very pleasant surprise, I had not seen them in a couple of weeks.

On the way home from the zoo I was driving along minding my own business when I ran up on what looked to be a pallet that had been ran over by a few cars. Well I add another car to that count, since I could not avoid it. Thought it was no big deal and came home changed clothes and when for a little (and I do mean little I am still not doing all that great) jog/run. When I was coming back to where my car is parked I noticed that I was sitting a little funny. Well turns out my front driver side tire was completely flat. With the help of Sis got the ghetto little tire on there. Leah and Mandy were kind enough to come pick up on their way back from Cookeville so I did not have to try and drive that far on the stupid little tire. Sunday after church Leah and Heather where very sweet and drove me back home.

After I got back home I drove around trying to find a place to fix my tire. Finally found a place and was there for 15 minutes when they told me it could not be fix and that I would have to buy a new one. They had a list for me to pick from. None of them where the same brand as the tires already on my car, so I told them no thank you. They looked at me like I was the biggest idiot on the planet. I know it is stupid, but it would have driven me mad to not have all four tires being at least the same brand. To keep this from getting to much longer, I stayed out of work today to find a tire and now have four normal tires again all of the same brand. You have no idea how slow 50 is until you can’t drive over it with out dying.

I had a really bad day at work today. It was one of those day where everything seem to go wrong. In fact things from weeks ago even went bad. People were in bad moods. Temperature was all wrong.

I am sure you get the point, but for once this is not about what went wrong, but about how even a bad day can have a pretty good ending. I went and got a hair cut and the lady that did it was super friendly. She shifted me from a very negative mind set to an almost positive one. Normally I don’t talk much during the hair cutting process, but she talked and ask question. It was just nice.

Then to make the night even so much better than the day Leah called and I get to talk to her on her way home. Turned out to be a pretty good night!

Have you all ever seen What About Bob? If you have not I recommend watching it, strike that, owning it. You can get it at Target for five dollars. It will teach you all about baby steps and death therapy. A lesson we all need at times.

I screwed something up at work the other day and it was not found until today in the middle of a demo. I hate screwing things up. I make myself feel far worse than any amount of yelling can do, in fact getting in trouble just tends to make me angry more than anything. I try my best to get everything right, but I am not perfect, I will never be perfect. I make a change that affected a ton of places and missed one. It is so much worse that it was discovered during a demo for some new potential clients. No one has said anything to me about it, so I think all is well.

For all that I freaked out with the last post, I will be ok. I am not better, but I am not worse. I have been far worse during the course of my life and I am still here, so I will make it. Not always easy, but I either keep on trying or I will be stuck forever.

In geek news, Microsoft finally released Vista SP1 to the masses. I downloaded and installed it. Installation took thirty minutes or so and something like four reboots. I really can’t say that I can tell a difference, but I was not having any problems before, so I am not really surprised.

What a week this has been so far. Something about everyday has really sucked. Monday I was almost falling asleep, Tuesday everyone says I was grumpy, and today was worse than the other two days combined. I really hope this trend does not continue.

As you can see I used the squirrel picture I was talking about yesterday on today’s post. If you go to flickr and look at a larger version you will be able to see what I was talking about.

I don’t guess this post really has a point other than I needed to vent and the neighborers are really getting sick and tired of me going outside and screaming my lungs out.

Some of you might find this entertaining. The boss snapped at me about something today and I snapped back a bit. He said something that I knew was not the way it was and told him as much. He said I was wrong. I went back to my desk and looked up the code that showed me right. Told him about it. I still ended up doing it the way he wanted, but that was not the point. He was a butt to me for no reason and I proved that I was right. I spent the whole afternoon pissed off. It was not even about who was right or wrong it was just the way he acted. I really just don’t even want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to say screw it, but for whatever reason I can’t do that.

I lack the ability to just say screw it to things. Some people that is all they do. Not sure which way would make life easier. Oh well back to my exercise.

I have been dreaming again.  Sunday night I was out hiking in a beautiful mountainous area.  The sky was so very blue, with no clouds to be found as I walked along small clear river.  It was such a perfect place.  Then the rednecks came and tried to kill me.  I spent the rest of the night running instead of being able to enjoy this wonderful place I was in.  I did not wake up very rested on Monday morning.

I have not been having to work quite as much as I was, but can’t seem to snap out of this slump I seem to be in.  I have been in worse so I am sure I will snap out of it at some point.  Some people are not helping with the things they are doing, but they are completely clueless about the effect they are having.

Freedom Writers is a great movie.  I just finished watching it and really enjoyed it.  I know it has to be the nice friendly version of what happen, but it is still a wonderful movie that I really recommend you watching.

If I can ever get my host’s support team to believe I am who I say I am the blog maybe undergoing a few changes.  Should not be anything you all will notice, just trying to get moved to a server with some newer software on it.  I have it in my head that I am going to play with some of it, but who knows if that will really happen or not, but I know I will be more likely to do it if I am on the latest stuff verses trying to learn an older version of the technology.

I am going to have a rant party if you can’t tell by the title, so consider this your warning.

I was sitting here today watching a movie (yet another that I had to read!) and the phone rang.  It was my boss and he was at work and had some questions about how to do something.  Not a big deal at all and I did not mind helping him out.  Before he goes he mentions that the own, who for the rest of this store will be known as the man, was a little bit upset that I had left at four (the time that I should get off, to make sure that is clear) the last two days.  I have left work on time no more than 5 or 6 time this YEAR and the man is upset that I am leaving on time?  You are going to love this part, on Monday or Tuesday I requested to leave ON TIME Thursday and Friday because I had plans.  How screwed up is it that I have to request to leave ON TIME and the man gets upset about it?  Am I missing something here?  If we are in a tight spot it is because the man wants one and half people to do the work of five.

Needless to say right now I am over flowing with frustration right now.

I woke up and went to work this morning like always.  I had been at work for maybe an hour when I notice that it is snowing.  It snowed really good for awhile.  The parking lot was covered and pretty looking.  Hours later when I get off work it is mostly melted and it is dark.  Could have been some good pictures, but no.  I am hoping that some of the flickr friends got some shots.

I have started not sleeping very well again.  When I lay down I can’t get to sleep and after I do I end up waking up at least 10 minutes before my alarm goes off.  I have been waking up looking at the time and then trying my hardest to sleep for that 10 minutes.  Seems stupid I know, but at the time all I want to do is go back to sleep.

Today was one of my coworkers last days.  About five I went up to say bye.  They were leaving so they did not care what they said it was funny to hear them talk about some of the things that go on at that place.  Another one of those people I wish I could have known better, but group lunches are going to take place if everyone does as they say.

So I don’t know if you have looked at flickr, but I took a couple of pictures.  Not really happy with any of the ones I took, but the two I posted where the best of the bunch.  Feel like I am a photo rut or something.