It is kind of crazy how I found a church home in a place where I am in the minority.  It is really something that does not even cross my mind most of the time it is just home.  It one of my places of security that helps me forget my problems and gives me hopes about the future.  I don’t know how to express exactly what it means to me, I am just so thankful that everyone is so wonderful to me.

As I sit here and think about the last two and a half to three years, so much has change, I have changed.  I am still not where I want to be in my life, but I am much better off than I was.  It has been very trying journey, but I have some great people who have been there for me though out.  They not the people I would have said would be there for me if you had ask four years ago, most of those people ended up not being what I thought they were, one more so than all the others.

If you read this blog at all you know I still have a really hard time with some of the things in my life.  I get so very frustrated and even depressed at times, but I would not change what happen.  It sucked at the time, but I had was not right.  Looking back I can see how wrong what was going on really was, and can only imagine where it would have gone if things did not go the way they did.

I know I have been though most of this before, but sometimes I just need to write about how far I have come and some of the great things that are in my life now.

Ok I hate screwing up. There are so many things to think about it is hard to me to not miss something. The thought of screwing up paralyzes me a lot of times. I guess I am better about it than I used to be, but it is still something I struggle with a lot. I still don’t know if it is better to try or just not bother. I think in the last few years I have leaned more toward trying, but it is hard.

I don’t know what has happen to live over the last couple of months. It seems like everyone is at a distance. The people who are my rocks feel so far away, I miss them. Life has just been so busy for everyone. A song just came on that reminds me of years ago and friend I had that are basically no longer there. I am so scared that it will happen again.

In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

Saturday we helped setup for the yard sell and then spent the rest of the day on a car wash.  Sunday in addition to all the normal church activities we had a lunch.

It was a good weekend, one of those that you hate to see end even if you are physically and mentally exhausted.  Coming home to nothing is really hard after all the things that went on.  Not really sure if that makes sense to anyone, but that is where I am at.

Monday at work was hard.  We had a lot of problems and I was having trouble thinking clearly.  I was really hoping to leave on time and get some of the mundane things that have to be done that I did not get to this weekend.  Did not get to leave until an hour and a half late.

Today I was still having a really hard time focusing and did not get as much done as I needed, but don’t really know what I could do to change that.  I just did my best and hope that is good enough, it is not like it really matters the more I do now just means the more that they will add right before the release and I will just end up having to stay late either way.

Speaking of work, I finally got my Christmas present!  They got us digital picture frames.  The first one I got did not work and the second had a rose colored frame.  After that there were some staff changes and I think it got forgot.  One of the other people who had the same problems I did emailed and reminded them that we never got ours and now we do.  I just tried and it works!

I had a pretty good “run” today.  Made it around the apartment complex there times, four if you want to count the walking I did on the fourth time around.  I am still very very slow, but it is nice to at least have an improvement in distance.  Not to say that the distance I am going is anything that anyone would be proud of.

So I got off the phone even less happy that when I got on, I had been hoping that it would be an improvement but I was wrong.  After the call I decided I would go “run” until I either felt better or passed out.  Turns out I can’t even do that.  I was try to run pretty much as fast as I could in an effort to just make it all go away.  I made it about a minute before my leg started killing me again.  I hurt it on Saturday, but I thought it was better.  I was wrong.  It has stopped hurting again, so I think it was just giving me a warning to cool it.

So much negative in this place lately, I don’t like that.  This is not who I am.  I am the person that is always smiling, not the one constantly depressed.  I am still here, I still have some wonderful people in my life, even if all the relationships are not what I wish they were.  I will get thought this.  I will not let this destroy me.  People can belittle me and what I do all they want, they can discount what I do, think I am nothing, but it is not true.  I am worth something.  I may not be the most excited person, but I will always be there for the ones who will let me.  I am not going to lie and say that I like it or that it is easy when someone else comes along who you think is better, but guess who will be there long term and who will not.

Now just have to try and hold on to this bit of positive thought.

If I feel like something is going well internally I will see it as great.  Whole futures are planned off a single event that always turns out to be nothing.  Having a future built out for something is wonderful until it goes wrong, then I have the dead weight of it on me.  This ends up happening over and over again, at time the cycle can happen in a matter of minutes.

The same type sort of process happens with something bad seems to happen.  I see it as a catastrophe.  When I find out things are not as bad as I thought it is much better than what happen if I thought something good had happen.  All this goes on without anyone being able to tell, well without most people knowing.  Sunday I had three people who noticed.  Two I was not surprised about, they know me better than anyone, maybe better than myself.

I do my best to keep this whole thing under control, if fact though the normal course of my life I do a pretty good job at it.  It is when something comes alone and gives me a glimmer of hope that things could get better that I start having problems.  It is not the hope that is the problem, it is what my brain does with it that at some point brings me crashing back down.

I have no clue why I am writing this where the whole world can read it, but there it is a real look inside my mind.

Today that changed.  Today I came to the realization that no matter what I do this is not something that I have control over.  This thing that I have dreamed of my whole life may never come to be.  To be quite honest it will truly be an act of God if it ever does come to be, but I can’t leave, I can’t just walk out on where I feel like I should be, even if that means this is where I will be for the rest of my life.  I can’t just abandon so many to try and chase after something that I may never get to have.  I could be greatly exaggerating my place, who knows, but I feel like I might be making a difference.

At the same time I don’t know how I will be able to continue on with out this dream to hold on to.  I know I am completely contradicting what I just said.  I keep going back and forth between everything will be ok to breaking down again.  Who would have thought that I could go from being so happy on Saturday to this today, but who am I kidding a good portion of Saturday being so great was just in my head as well.

I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know what to do.  I force all this into the depths of my mind so that I could make it though all that I needed to get done today.  Now that I am home it is crawling back out.  Right now I hate where I am.  Everything seems so far away.  All that I have ever wanted is so far out of my reach.  So many things pulling at me.

I should apologize for this entry, but I am not going to.  This is my reality right now.  I am not trying to get anyone to do anything, I am not looking for pity, what I am looking for a person cannot give me.

I want to skip the next couple of days.  Work is going to be crazy I think.  Looking at the list of stuff we have to do verses the amount of time does not look good, at least for tomorrow.  The boss wants to be out on time this Friday so I am sure I will be done at most an hour late, so that will be good.

My poor neighbors.  I have been setting here blogging away, listening to music, and singing.  Normally that would not be an issue, but it is so nice out that I opened a window and forgot it is open.  I am hoping that you can’t be arrested for singing poorly.  I remember when I would never sing in front of anyone, at a volume where you could hear words coming out.  I have gotten better about not caring and just doing it anyway.  Last year on the ski trip I was sing loud in front of everyone, it may have been a first.  Good times.

I hate my inability to communicate properly.  It is such a frustrating thing to be so locked inside of ones self.  I have tons of things that I want to talk about, but can’t ever manage to more than a small portion of them out, and even those are due to the skill of a couple of very close friends and even then it seems to only be a shadow of what it was in my head.

It feels like my head is going to explode.

If you remember I said I was going to read some Jules Verne. Well today I finished the collection I was reading. It contained Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, The Mysterious Island, Journey to the Center of the Earth, and Around the World in Eighty Days. It is strange to me that the one book of the group I had not heard of ended up being the one I liked the best. The Mysterious Island was by far the one I enjoyed the most. Now that I have finished some Jules Verne I have moved on to Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.

This was the weekend of music.  Friday night church had song writers’ night.  Bryon Rice and Charles Green performed they were both very good.  I really enjoy those nights at church and getting to hear new artists.  I hope they keep it up.

Saturday we were going to go to the Earth Day festivities, but the rain changed our minds.  Instead we went to a bunch of the stores next until it was time to meet for musical even two of the weekend.  The picture is Spence and me getting ready to race while waiting on the others to arrive.  Ran three races, added more people on the other two, and I almost passed out.  I am so out of shape, but I did manage to win all three!

We went to do dinner and then to see Casting Crowns.  Wonderful show!  Great time with wonderful people.  I love it when we get to do things with the youth, and of course all our friends who joined us!